As I was heading to Walmart today, I passed a man standing on the corner of the busy intersection next to where I was heading. Though his back was to me, I could tell he was holding a sign. As I rubbernecked around my turn to read it, I couldn’t spot it. It’s not my business as to why God puts certain things on my heart at times, but I was more than curious. I have never ministered face-to-face to a stranger in public- but I felt that’s what He was calling me to do. Because there was no parking or pull-off near where he was standing, I proceeded to the store. mI parked about 300 feet from him and stared at Him through my windshield, watching him walk down the highway towards the bypass. He looked close to my own dad's age, but with a long, scruffy beard., carrying only a small duffle bag and his small cardboard sign. He walked out of my sight, towards wherever he was heading to next. I began to pray. I knew he was on my heart because God was signaling me. I just couldn’t discern for what.

I see homeless people, or people panhandling often when traveling in larger cities than where I live, and while it always pulls at my heart strings- this one felt like a brick on my chest.

I began to ask God if I was meant to minister to this man, and if I was, to put Him back in my path again because I would. I prayed over his situation and circumstances and began to head inside the crowded store. I reminisced on the stereotype I used to believe when I saw someone begging for money on the side of the road, over the years my heart has become less skeptical and more soft.

I spent quite some time shopping for my son’s baseball gear and some home items, almost forgetting about the man I saw all together. When I walked out, my eyes shot to the place where I saw him walking last, and he was gone. I made a mental note to myself that I was just meant to pray for him instead, and headed to my car. Because the parking lot was quite a distance from the intersection, it was a few minutes before I pulled towards where he was originally standing. However, as I turned my car towards the red light- he walked back to where he was. I honked my horn in a panic to draw his attention and waved him over, completely stopping all traffic.

As he jogged to my car, I realized the line of cars behind me was getting long. There was nowhere near to pull over or get to him without crossing the hectic intersection on foot. He walked up to my window and I offered him a ride, he politely declined. I asked if there was anything I could do for him, and he asked for a couple of bucks. I kept my eyes darting in my rearview, trying to hurry, in fear of making the people behind more irritated than they already were. I dug around for my wallet but had trouble finding it, I realized that I only had a 20$. My last 20$. I handed it to him, he was antsy looking behind my car at the other frustrated drivers seeming inconvenienced. I gave him the money and told him God bless. He hurried away and I stepped on the gas.

Though what I did may had seemed good, it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t seem like enough. I had such fear in my heart of pissing off the world, that I felt like I wasted an opportunity to minister to him. My heart was hurt. Though I felt like it wasn’t a feeling of disobedience, it was a feeling of disappointment in my heart because of that fear I felt. This situation invoked a new feeling inside of me, and I’m still not sure that I did the right or wrong thing. I just know that I beat myself up about it all day because I should’ve done more. I felt like I wasted an opportunity and as I type this, I’m not sure where I’m getting at with all of this.

Hebrews 13:2 says “Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.” This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible, and I think about it often. Did I do enough for this stranger? Did I handle it appropriately? Im not sure. But I know that I’ll continue to pray for him, and I ask all of you reading this to pray for him, too. There is no telling what his situation may be, no telling what is happening in his heart- maybe he is saved- maybe not. All I can do is try to be a better disciple in the future and continue to walk with integrity and humility, always doing the right thing…and pray.

And above that- I would NEVER share good deeds for clout, this is just the honesty of trying Christian who wants to do more, and feels like it’s never good enough. I just want to be more like Jesus, and sometimes even good things don’t feel like they're enough to satisfy what the Lord calls us to do. I guess that’s just how I feel right now.

I can only hope that in a perfect world, with a perfect Courtney- she would’ve done more. Would’ve said to heck with the traffic, and stepped out to pray with this man or minister to him. I’ll try to no longer beat myself up about it. I just wish I could’ve done more than that lousy last 20$.